Loosing Rowan. One Year Later.

*Warning* This post is about miscarriage.

This is something I wrote at one year past my D&C. I wasn’t able to share at the time I wrote this, but I am ready now. I hope it will help someone else who has gone through this.

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19 September 2017

I need to write this because it is important, and because it is difficult, and real, and heartbreaking, and maybe it will help you and maybe, just maybe it will help me too.

Its been one year. One year yesterday and today and tomorrow. Then it will be a year since the fall out for the rest of the days and that will eventually blend to 2, 3, then 10 years.

And I sit here on a day like today and I wonder if it will always hurt this bad. If every year on this day will the pain take my breath away and make me stop in my tracks and forget that it has been a year because it feels like just yesterday?

Then I realize how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown, how much I have healed even when some days doesn’t seem that way at all. I know that i will be ok, by realizing this I know that I have come so far because for awhile I truly believed that I wouldn’t be ok.

Its been one year ago today.
One year ago today I still held my baby in my body, but she was already gone.

I called the doctor because I was spotting/light bleeding and they confirmed on the ultrasound my greatest fear. I had lost one of my precious, irreplaceable children.

There is no greater pain in the world than to know your heart beats while your Childs no longer does.

The world goes dark for awhile.
Everything hurt but I felt nothing at the same time.

Yes I was still beyond blessed by the child and husband I have but the loss of a child is still unbearable no matter how many blessings you have.

Its been one year ago today that I had to schedule my first surgery of my life to “deliver” my child. A child we would never hold, never watch grow, never kiss her booboos, or comfort her from a bad dream. We will never see her smile or hear her laugh, or know what color her eyes are.

At least not on this earth, but I believe with all my heart we will see her one day in heaven.

Only our close families knew that we were expecting our second child, we weren’t very far along but that baby was so much wanted, prayed for, and beyond loved from the moment we knew she existed.

To my sweet Rowan Grey: You matter, You are remembered, You are loved. Forever & Always.

To all the mommas who lost a baby too soon. To all the mommas who have had a miscarriage, stillbirth, chemical pregnancy, any sort of child loss:

My heart breaks for & with you. You are not alone. I love you and I am praying for you today.

We will be ok.

I want to leave this post with some song lyrics I have drawn comfort from. I pray that you find comfort, strength, and hope in our sweet savior, Jesus Christ today.

-A

Even If By Mercy Me:

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

 

 

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Easy Chicken Noodle Soup

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My kiddo came down with a cold- out of nowhere it seems. Thanks to some kid at story time.. if you’re a mom you know what kid I’m talking about. Anyways, as any mom would i hate when my baby doesn’t feel well so he is soaking up the spoiled-ness of watching tv all day. Then i thought about how i wish we had some chicken noodle soup, the kind in a can of course—we don’t.

So, I think In my brain what do i need to make some homemade soup for my son?
Noodles, chicken broth, boom practically the same as the can. Right?

Well rest assured there are a few more ingredients and you can add more to customize to what you have or what you like. Basically this is a super easy chicken noodle soup recipe that you can throw together with not much and its delicious or you can add some extra to make it a little fancier (if that’s your style 😉 )

Before we jump into the recipe i want to add that i mixed a few kinds of noodles together because that is what i had also, my kiddo didn’t mind one bit.

What are your favorite things to eat when your not feeling well? I always remembered having chicken noodle soup as a kid and sometimes mashed potatoes. Is that weird? Probably, haha.
Let me know if you enjoyed this recipe! Have a blessed day.

-A
Easy Chicken Noodle Soup

1 Bag egg noodles
1 Box low-sodium organic chicken broth
3 Chicken Bullion cubes dissolved
1 tsp onion powder (or to taste)
1 tsp garlic powder (or to taste)
1 tsp Mrs. Dash original seasoning
1/4 Cup carrots
*also can add cooked, cut up chicken and more veggies-peas,celery, etc

  1. Cook pasta according to package halfway thru cook time add carrots and other veggies to soften
  2. Drain pasta and veggies
  3. Return Pasta to the pot add broth and seasonings
  4. Dissolve Bullion Cubes in about 1 Cup of hot (microwaved) water
  5. Mix and heat throughly
    Enjoy 🙂

I’m A Mile Away From Home

My family and I moved to England about a year and a half ago. It has been a crazy year and a half. I was only 19 when i moved here and about 4 months pregnant. So yes my son was born in England, which is pretty cool. Right now I am a stay at home mom and wife and a photography student. Life stays pretty hectic chasing a one year old around all day.

Its pretty tough being so far away from my family sometimes. I was always really close to my mom and grandparents growing up so not getting to see them but once a year is hard. Being in England with my husband and son is an incredible adventure.
So here are my favorite ways to stay in touch with my favorite people while living internationally. (:

1. Since everyone is so far away from family we have a new little adopted family made up of close friends here. Its so important when living internationally or even just hours from your family to make close friends that eventually become like family. There is nothing wrong with having lots of people to love and who love you too.

2. Get used to skype dates. Skype is free and easy to use. Plus anyone with a computer or smart phone can download it! This means you get to see your close friends and family face to face anytime you want or they are available because we all know how wonderful time differences are!

3. Embrace social media! I’m not as much of a fan of posting on social media sites as my 15 year old self was…however its a free and easy way to keep my friends and family up to date on how my son is growing. I am also able to share photos of our lovely adventures in England. Facebook, twitter, instagram, the list goes on so pick one or all of them and keep up with your favorite people.

4. Texting Apps! There are like a zillion texting apps out there and some of them are even free. so if someone you love doesn’t have one of those smart phones yet well you can still text them and even call using some of the same apps which is pretty great. When i first got here i downloaded magic jack and was able to call my grandparents for free it made the move so much easier.

Most importantly remember this, most of the time moving internationally, weather for studying or the military it is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Moving here is one of the hardest and scariest things i have done but it is such an incredible adventure for me and my little family. Remember to embrace the adventures and enjoy the moments. And, of course keep up with the people you love most because they are missing you as much as your missing them.
Enjoy this beautiful adventure.
♥A