*Warning* This post is about miscarriage.
This is something I wrote at one year past my D&C. I wasn’t able to share at the time I wrote this, but I am ready now. I hope it will help someone else who has gone through this.
19 September 2017
I need to write this because it is important, and because it is difficult, and real, and heartbreaking, and maybe it will help you and maybe, just maybe it will help me too.
Its been one year. One year yesterday and today and tomorrow. Then it will be a year since the fall out for the rest of the days and that will eventually blend to 2, 3, then 10 years.
And I sit here on a day like today and I wonder if it will always hurt this bad. If every year on this day will the pain take my breath away and make me stop in my tracks and forget that it has been a year because it feels like just yesterday?
Then I realize how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown, how much I have healed even when some days doesn’t seem that way at all. I know that i will be ok, by realizing this I know that I have come so far because for awhile I truly believed that I wouldn’t be ok.
Its been one year ago today.
One year ago today I still held my baby in my body, but she was already gone.
I called the doctor because I was spotting/light bleeding and they confirmed on the ultrasound my greatest fear. I had lost one of my precious, irreplaceable children.
There is no greater pain in the world than to know your heart beats while your Childs no longer does.
The world goes dark for awhile.
Everything hurt but I felt nothing at the same time.
Yes I was still beyond blessed by the child and husband I have but the loss of a child is still unbearable no matter how many blessings you have.
Its been one year ago today that I had to schedule my first surgery of my life to “deliver” my child. A child we would never hold, never watch grow, never kiss her booboos, or comfort her from a bad dream. We will never see her smile or hear her laugh, or know what color her eyes are.
At least not on this earth, but I believe with all my heart we will see her one day in heaven.
Only our close families knew that we were expecting our second child, we weren’t very far along but that baby was so much wanted, prayed for, and beyond loved from the moment we knew she existed.
To my sweet Rowan Grey: You matter, You are remembered, You are loved. Forever & Always.
To all the mommas who lost a baby too soon. To all the mommas who have had a miscarriage, stillbirth, chemical pregnancy, any sort of child loss:
My heart breaks for & with you. You are not alone. I love you and I am praying for you today.
We will be ok.
I want to leave this post with some song lyrics I have drawn comfort from. I pray that you find comfort, strength, and hope in our sweet savior, Jesus Christ today.
Even If By Mercy Me:
They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul